Friday, April 17, 2009

Her-story or Back to the future

I suppose it's true that we can each rewrite history to fit our needs.  I suppose it's true I can, at times, tell a good story.  Sometimes history comes back and bites me.  Lately, my previous marriage has come up as the topic of discussion.  The blather that comes out of my mouth always surprises me.  It's not the truth that comes out of my mouth, but it is, in a sense.  I keep rewriting my marriage, trying to find that thing that makes sense, that is plausible, or"acceptable" reasons not to have continued it.  I was never hit (it would have been easier to leave if I had been), neither one of us cheated on each other and we never gave each other a reason to doubt our fidelity. I don't truly know anymore why I felt so compelled to leave.I just remember coming across a book with the title,"How To Save Your Marriage Alone".  I almost cried in the aisle.  I was so incredibly sad to be so alone.  No, I didn't even take the book off the shelf.  I was too sad to go there - again alone.

I do find it interesting that when I did decide to leave I was applauded, in a sense, by friends and family.  I was given more heartfelt support than I had felt in decades.  Leaving felt right.  Everything came together more than all the years of bucking up and making things "right", everything just became right.  I had played the role.  I had played it well.  I had become the perfect wife; Stepford was my middle name.  Greet him at the door with a drink, dinner on the stove, his favorite show already channelled in on the television.  I sat with him for the first half hour of being home and listened, yes listened, while he talked about his day.  I was packing up the vehicle for camping, unpacking and cleaning when we got home.  Cleaning out the bbq after he had made the previous meal.  I put on mascara before he woke in the morning to put on a good face.  I hugged (with feeling) and kept clean clothes in his drawers folded and arranged per instructions.  Twenty two years of learning the ropes and getting it right more often than not.  OK, maybe he was an ass.  Maybe after six months of meeting him at the door and not once getting a kind word (about that time I had started listening to hear if I would actually get one), maybe after sleeping alone for ten years because he couldn't sleep unless he was in the Lazyboy (aptly named), maybe after shoveling sidewalks and driveways (which I like doing actually) and not hearing a thank you while he drove off to work while I went back in the house to get the kids ready for school before I went to work - well, "thank you" means more than "I love you".

It has been brought to my attention that my sweet ex is not doing so well.  He's not taking care of himself physically, he's dealing with bouts of depression, and bad money decisions.  I was told that he is suffering from a broken heart.  That he had no light left behind his eyes.  I'm a little upset by this.  Was I the only one that saw the light go out?  It happened long before I left.  Our counseling was for him, get some life into that bag o' bones.  He wouldn't do it.  He still won't, he just has another excuse...oh poor baby, his wife of twenty some years up and left and now she's half way across the country living it up and leaving him behind.  Shit!  I'm downright angry.  How dare they include me in his drama.

One of my friends wants me to meet a single friend of hers.  I'm feeling trepidatious.  I wonder if he says, "thank you".  At this point that might be all it takes.  Gawd, I don't want to be desperate.              

OK, done whining.  


  1. Sometimes I think I tried to save my marriage alone, and unappreciativeness was alive and well at our house, too. That was the excuse I used to look elsewhere for attention 20 years ago...

    You didn't leave him behind, he missed the bus on his own.

    For the thought provocation, thank you :-)

  2. thank you, Doug. I suppose I'm carrying around more baggage on this adventure than I had intended. I wonder where and when I will be able to toss this rubbage. I love riding the bus these days. Thanks for reminding me.

  3. Beware the rebound. No desperation seems evident, just doesn't sound like the past is processed. These things are tough--not falling for guilt trips yet owning what is yours.

  4. I guess that brings up the question...when is the past ever processed?

    I can rewrite my childhood as well to be funny or pitiful as I see fit. It was extremely normal and unnoteworthy - much like my marriage when I think on it.

    I'm still rewriting...

  5. Allow your ex to be a grownup. He needs to face his own demons.

    I dated a guy like that for a few short months -- caught him cheating. Within three months after we broke up he lost his job for farting around at work. Amazingly, he blamed his bad choices on his agony over losing me. Phllllllbbbbbbbt.

    Some men are just babies in an adult body and cannot connect the dots between "cause and effect."

    Go forward and be happy (never look back).

  6. I dont know how you stayed n that relationship so long! That would have driven me absolutely crazy!If I were you I wouldn't worry too much about him now. He chose his path many years ago it seems.Hope yuo have a wonderful weekend!

  7. I think that a year alone can do wonders. I used to rail at that, when people told me not to date for a year after being widowed, but it did help me.

  8. Hmm, Kate...It's been three years now, although this is the first year I've been far enough away to actually feel released. Hmmm, another year. :/

  9. The past is processed when you can actually forget it. That's my theory.
    Oh 3 years. I wondered. You're past the rebound stage and into the other stage.

  10. "the other stage"? Juan? there's more??!