Saturday, September 19, 2009

The Reunion I Didn't Go To

Now that youth is past on - at least the youth I once was - I find myself looking back wondering at the perceptions of myself. Youth is gone. Since I can't look to my youth to define me favorably, I had hoped maybe edgy would be a good description. It seems, in all reality, I am not edgy. I'm about as soft and rounded as one comes. A push-over even.

I don't enjoy hard/edgy films that maybe once held me captivated. I find myself wondering if the harsher films ever did catch my attention. Though I liked Nirvana for awhile (moving into the music realm) my full appreciation didn't blossom until Apocalyptica did their tunes in four cellos. The MTV Unplugged series still moves me to crank up the tunes.

My best afternoons are spent quilting, writing drivel (much like today), playing non-competitive tennis and reading. Where's the edge here?

Alas, no edge, no youth. There's no confirmed selling point here for interest or intrigue. I'm all about comfort; good food, warm surrounding, good friends to share drivel with and clean sheets. Pandora radio pumps out genome equivalents of Paul Simon tunes, or Coldplay and flamenco/classical guitar. In the car talk radio gets as much air time as music stations. I'm not saying this is a bad thing. It's just, finally for me anyway, a re-definition.

I read somewhere many years ago if one thinks the same way as one did twenty years ago, h/she has wasted twenty years of life. Like so many other people, what I meant to do with my life and what I've done are two different things. I suppose if I had considered doing something for someone else - rather than for personal satisfaction - I would, at this point, have a stick to measure by and could say each point that was accomplished. Mostly I don't mind not having a measure that fits my life. It helps that there is no saying where I missed the mark. I veered so hard so early and lived in confusion for so long after, that getting recently on track...well, to what avail at this point?

"Meaningful" and "accomplishments" are not synonyms. I suppose for some this is never a question. In my upbringing accomplishments were held high. With the discovery of "meaningful" it's lead to a rather confused life. I've spent many hours (years) considering how to write these two terms into one definition. It's very messy and not satisfactory yet.

Confusion and frustration tend to hold hands. They seem to be domestic partners - I am just too polite to ask what the arrangement actually is (or which one is carrying the health insurance). Regardless of their relationship, there is one. I feel I've been sucked in. When Confusion blows into my house Frustration always seems to show up and hang out until Confusion blows back out again. It's fair to say Frustration likes to sit around for a while longer and keep me company. I have learned to tell Frustration to go home too. It shortens the duration of wasted energy. My life is best described as "Natalie's Law of Algebra" - to wit: You never catch on until after the test.

I've lived my life boldly at times. At the very least I can say I'm bold. Those times when my boldness has been stifled, quite frequently from outside sources, were for me the most frustrating. I've not regretted being bold. I've regretted those times I allowed myself to be guided by those who requested I hold myself in check. I regret those things I didn't do. I have no regrets for what I have done. Even the worst were worth it for the lessons anyway.

Early on I learned to play, among other tunes, Landslide by Fleetwood Mac. I've played this tune so often my children thought it was a lullaby before they heard it on the "oldies" station on the radio. This tune is how I ended nights of playing guitar around the campfire - the campground folks began to think of it as a lullaby as well. The landslide has occurred and I wonder at the mountain that is left. I'm a mountain? huh. Now there's bold.

It's just a well I didn't go to the reunion. There's a lot of people I don't know - never did. I'm still trying to figure out me. Hmm, I wonder what I'll be when I grow up?

Back to my "regularly" scheduled blog next time....

1 comment:

  1. I was never edgy, I was too busy just being weird :-)

    My regret is not doing what I do now when I was young.

    Adulthood has its advantages but it is highly overrated.