My bus buddy was sharing with me her thoughts on relationships. She has recently found a bit of success at Match.com. Last weekend she had a date that went rather well. This coming weekend is another date that she is looking forward to. We speak as two single women. I wonder sometimes that I am happy enough being single. Yet, to hear her talk I wonder at how I live. She spoke most directly about the loneliness that comes with being single. This evening I reheated last night's dinner and read my book while I ate. There are food stains on those pages now. The book is getting good and I didn't want to set it aside while I ate. I am not lonely when I have a good book to read.
Earlier this year I purchased two tennis lessons; one for me, one for my friend that enjoys tennis as well. Of the many lessons I have gone to, she has made it to two. These are the things that make me lonely. Why am I going to tennis lessons when there really isn't anyone but my friend to play tennis with?
I wonder that when I am in a relationship I feel more lonely for that person not being there. I feel lonely waiting for that person to get off work, or to call or talk after work I guess. When I am not in a relationship I don't worry about whether I feel lonely or not. I am alone at those times by choice. That is not loneliness.
I have been considering eHarmony and Match.com. I dabbled in the last year during "free weekends" without much to say about it. If I were to get serious about not being single there are ways to change it. Is there a point where it is too late to take action? Am I getting too set in my ways as a single woman? I thought I was clearing my heart and my guilt to be a more prepared person when a glimpse of a relationship showed up. I feel pretty clear anymore.
I'm not lonely. I wonder that I feel no guilt at being alone.