Defining Peace of Mind

The goal is financial peace of mind. That's it. Peace of mind. That in itself is priceless. I don't know if that means a million dollars, or five million dollars, or what. It definitely means a change of attitude.

For me, financially, Peace of Mind means -

1. I will have savings set aside to fly across the country in case of emergency. I want to know I can get to my loved ones should anything happen. With family in New York, Wisconsin, Colorado and California...well, it matters.

2. I can go months without bank charges on my free account. And then I go months when nothing goes through the bank on time and I am floating in red until payday. Peace of mind would be having a free checking account, in the black, at all times.

3. I want to open bills on payday, write a check or go online, file it and it's all done. That's it. Two weeks of peace of mind. A couple years ago I was paid once a month. I loved it. I paid all my bills in full on payday. I always felt the weight of the world lift from me. I saved up all the bills until payday - brought them all out at once - and all at once they disappeared. This is the kind of peace of mind I am working for.

4. I want to be able to see a doctor or a dentist and have the ability to pay upon receipt. Right now I can't do that. These bills are hefty. Thing Two went to a doc for regular checkup type stuff and 20 minutes later I have a bill for $238. Which reminds me I need to incorporate that one into my budget.

5. I want savings for emergencies. Two months income would be a nice start, considering I have nothing right now. I would need to come up with a recommended list of appropriate times to access the money. If the situation does not fall into one of those appropriate times then it must not be an emergency. It just seems that when I have savings everything is an emergency and nothing stays in savings.

That's it. That's my definition. I need to know where I'm going. I still don't know how I'll get there. Today I am defining the destination, not the path to get there.

I'm still tracking my spending. Once everything blew up in front of me tracking my spending just seems like a total waste of time. Except...okay, it has a grounding aspect to it. It is proof that I have not thrown my hands up in disgust. No, my hands are poised and at the ready to record that sixty-nine cents I spent last Friday for a bag of microwave popcorn for lunch. Truly, it hasn't even been a week yet. I started on Friday the 13th. Today is only Wednesday.

Yesterday I did three things to bring my finances into shape:
~I reviewed my bank statement online and hard-copy. I see that I paid overdraft fees. Too many (even one is too many).
~I wrote out in long-hand on several pieces of paper all the things I pay and all the money that comes in. It took several drafts to make sure I got everything. Even as I type this I remember two things that did not get included last night. I will be re-writing this income/outgo page again.
~I opened all the bills and statements that are waiting for a "good" payday and read them. I didn't put them in any order. I just read them and put them back.

The thing I did that puts another wrench in the works is that I called family for financial assistance and it's in the mail. I have no idea how I'm going to pay this back. I don't know what else to do, but here I've taken on another debt.

Today I've done three things toward changing this money karma.
~I emailed my debt reduction service asking where the additional $110 that was freed up from paying off creditors is going. I don't see any of this "snowball" money going toward any of the remaining accounts.
~I called the debt reduction service to update the dollar amount showing on my statements. They are kind of a defensive bunch there on the phone. I want to stay in touch with these people. They need to know I'm watching now.
~I've put some thought into what I am trying to acheive here. I want to achieve some peace of mind this year. I think it's an extremely do-able goal. I just don't know what I'm doing.

Before the money arrives from family, I need to write down where it's going to go. I need to consider where it's going to do the most good. I need a plan or it will - poof - be gone before I can be smart.

I need to allow Thing One to take care of some issues for herself to make sure the bail is returned. I paid the first round of clearing her ticket back in August and it didn't work. She needs to do some karma clearing for herself. (God, grant me strength to back off for her to do it, but the vision and voice to guide her, gently or not, to get it done.) What a mess.

PS: Phones are still turned off. It no longer bothers me.

Truth Hurts

Truth is the phones are turned off. I can't pay the bill. Truth is my truck is sitting at the curb still broken. I didn't pay the bill to have it towed. I owe my mom for that. The part comes tomorrow and a friend has offered to fix it. Truth is I am unable to leave my children in trouble even at the expense of myself. That truth cost me $500 in bail money for a "simple" bench warrant and the loss of all our family phone service. Truth is my tooth cracked last week and now my jaw hurts. I have insurance, but if I read the policy correctly this has minimal coverage which makes me wonder what I pay a premium for. Truth is I live paycheck to paycheck and a little over every payday. Truth is I've hit a low point of knowledge that roars like a lion that I never ever want to be here again. I am at a point that I see how long I've been fooling myself.

Sitting down tonight with paper, pencil, bank statement, pay stubs it looks like I can do this. On paper my financial life looks solid. it looks good. It looks like I can pay my way and put $50 a month in savings too. But it's not been happening. This can't continue. I cannot live this way any longer. I look at the numbers and I don't know what to do. I don't understand where the disconnect between paper and living occurs. I've been writing down every penny that goes out this last week. And then it all exploded in my face. I feel like life came at me in fists. The money boogeyman came at me with a rage at being found out. Yeah, I'm bruised. I sit licking my wounds wondering how to connect what I see on paper to how I actually live. The dots have to connect. There is no other choice.

Isn't it telling that the week I felt I had made a determination to truly get a handle on my financial life it just imploded. The house of cards fell. My determination is rising. I'm mad. I'm mad at myself. I did nothing wrong. I did everything wrong. There has to got be a connect. I have got to find the connection between what I see on paper and how I live my life. Truth hurts. Tracking only goes so far. Changes have to happen.

Attachment

Where I work I get a lot of questions, "Are you single?" "Are your married?" and these guys really want to know. I'm pretty good at side stepping the question at this point. None of their business. It's not a dating club, believe me. Yet it surprises me that men ask that question with no compunction, with no embarrassment, just part of their genetic make up. It's amazing to me. I could never ask a man I find interesting, or just plain handsome if he were in a relationship. It's just not in my genetic make up.

So, this last weekend when I came across a gentlemen that looked as though he had hooked his sleeve on a fence near the Farmer's Market. He appeared to be trying to get loose. I asked, "Are you attached?" Wouldn't you know it he answered, "Yes, my wife is just around the corner."

Amazing.

Down to one car

What an eventful week...not all good, not all bad. Yes, as the title says we three drivers with three jobs are down to one car. Mine bit the dust on Monday. It was only $124 to tow it home. I was expecting the $300 range, so I'm allowed to say "only". My mother was visiting this week. Yes, she was in the truck when it decided to spew oil onto the windshield. I do remember remarking on how I didn't see anyone toss a cup of coffee out the window on the freeway just then. Mom remarked back that she didn't see anyone do that either. That's when I noticed my oil gauge peg lounging, resting, napping at the bottom of the dial. Big sigh here. Like I said, I picked the truck up, got it home, and I'm dusting it off to ride again.

Thank god for friends. Have I mentioned lately how much I have come to truly appreciate my friends? And not just times like now. I mean to tell you we have watched plenty of football games together and eaten our share of nachos for the year together along with that. What surprises me is how friends rally around when the going gets tough. It's this friend that talked me through possible scenarios for my truck drama, who then stopped over that Monday night after work to look under the hood. He popped back in yesterday to watch under the hood while I cranked the car up to see which hose is spewing oil. His wife borrowed me a car to get my mother back to the airport on Friday morning before work. I am blessed.

So now we are down to one car. Thing One is working a second job. Thing Two is picking up extra shifts as fast as they become available and I am riding my beloved bus with new and different connections to get where I'm going. Grocery shopping is difficult. It is a timed event to shop and get the car home in time for someone to go to work.

Yesterday I started the "Log". What I mean to say is I started a small notebook to record every nickel, dime and penny I spend. I'm going to need a vehicle sooner rather than later. I had hoped to change my homestead, find a house with some sunshine. It seems I should make a vehicle my priority. Either way, to dispel the Money Boogeyman I will be watching him to see where he hides, where he rears his ugly face, what treasures he drags away kicking and screaming this time - rather than just letting him have the shadows I'm installing an halogen light fixture to see what needs to be rearranged so he has less access to my money. We'll see what comes of this. Hopefully a car, or a home, or both.

Other stuff happened this week that were awkward, uncomfortable and some downright frightening. Deja Vu moments left me worried about future scenarios. It's an uncomfortable time. It's life. I'm surrounded by love, and that helps. That helps a lot.

Oh, Thing Two will only be here for another three weeks or so....big sigh...Life happens. What an adventure.

House of Sunshine

Life has overtaken me. There's nothing to report, but I'll write anyway.

Bus rides have been interesting. Seattle Sound Transit or Community Transit or one of those has purchased a small fleet of double decker buses. They look kind of scary to me. I don't like that they are so tall and imposing. I find myself wondering if they will tip over in high winds or if everyone sits on one side on the top deck. I ended up riding one this last week. Great windows. Very quiet upstairs too. They still make me nervous. Double decker buses and the back end of the articulted buses make me nervous.

Monday someone let spill a can of beer on the bus. That was intresting. Of course, no open containers are allowed on the bus in the first place, covered coffee excepted (this is Seattle). The bus reeked of beer. The small rivers of brew flowed along the floor to a woman's grocery sacks. I called out for her to pick them up before the beer got that far. The fella behind me got off the bus in a hurry at the next stop. When I left the bus several stops later I saw the seat was wet as well.

I dunno...the neighbor just finished mowing the yard here at my little palace. I've been looking for a new home. Something that might have a little light. My apartment faces north and I get no direct sun at any time of year here. Rent is heading back up in the burg so no telling what I can really afford. Now that I own this job I actually make less take home pay than I did as a contractor. The kids have been upping my phone bill, and my electric bill, and my car insurance and well, I'm not sure I can really afford where I'm at right now even. I used to stress over this stuff. It would really pull me down into the dumps. On a lark, I applied for part-time work at a retail shop nearby. It'd be a good stop-gap for a bit. I just don't want to get suckered in to holding two jobs for more than a four months or so. Seasonal is how I think on it today. We'll see if they call. Next year I can change some deductions and in two and a half years or so all my debts will be paid in full. That's kind of exciting for me. Money is a very fluid comodity. Sometimes the pool is full, sometimes it aint. I'm glad I have the things I have. I'm glad I've done the things I've done. It's all good. That house with sunshine isn't that far away.