Just breathing into the moment

Prague, Czech Republic - May 2008

Saint Ludmila Church

Less than a year ago I made the leap, with my mother, to go to the Czech Republic.  It became quite a tour; three countries, cancelled flights, perfect weather, excellent photos - and we laughed.  The cancelled flight kept us somber, but once we got in the air it was great!  I never in my wildest dreams figured I would be in Hungary ever in my life.  They had the best food, and the best baths.  

Here I am, less than a year later, making another leap, this time my dad came along for the ride.  I realize in some ways the same "flight out" was delayed, and we laughed along the way.  But this is a different tour.  I did set up some tour guides prior to my leap.  Those tours have been completed, in a sense.  The main difference here is going home is not a separate flight.  Going home is the landing here.  And though I have "landed", I havent' landed.

Thanks for letting me rattle on.  I've been feeling overwhelmed this week.  Maybe longer.  This city is beautiful, green, green, green and warm. I've found a group of people to play Scrabble with.  I have a meeting next week for another lead on a job.  I have a beautiful neighborhood to walk each day.  I spend the bulk of my time looking at lists and lists and lists of jobs, applying, getting back to people and calming myself.

I loved my previous home.  I called it my sanctuary.  It really was.  I am looking forward to another sanctuary.  I'm looking forward to home.

I wonder, in the past, people would come for a visit of two months or so.  I understand it was simply because it took so long to get somewhere that they stayed so long.  In knowing how long you are going to stay one can relax into the visit.  I'm wondering if I treat this short bit staying in my friend's apartment as a relaxing visit if I can disapate this rattled sense of place I feel.

In the meantime...I started this blog well over a year ago to help me, to journal myself, into not smoking.  When JS fell and couldn't get up, I too figured I would just lay there.  But I think about this addiction often.  I go days without smoking or noticing that I'm not smoking.  I go days smoking like a chimney and try not to notice I screwed up.  I can only wonder, and hope that I'm sitting on a fence, finally, ready to put my feet down on the other side and walk through that field instead.  It smells prettier - like lilac in May in Prague.  

I am so ready for some flowers.